Monday, September 17, 2007

Feeling Blah

I don't know what has been wrong with me these past few days, it is almost like all my energy has gone. I just feel so despondent and low, and although I know there is loads that I should be doing, somehow I just don't have the wherewithall to do anything at all. Every time I think of ringing some more book shops, I bottle out, as somehow I just can't face it. I am sure what then is going on or how long this will last, but hope it doesn't go on too much longer. It has been a few days now, and the last shop I rang was on Wednesday last week, when I last wrote on here.

Everything seems to be a real effort though, even going to the gym I find that I have to really push myself and do not seem to have the same stamina. I can usually lift up to 21 kilos on most of the machines without problems, but it seems to be a real effort to lift even 14 kilos at the moment. I only managed 20 minutes cycling as well this morning, and normally I can do half an hour, with rowing as well before that. Each rower I tried today though seemed to have a flat battery, so I gave up in the end.

Last week I wrote that this other book was pressing my buttons, but I think that this is more than that, and there is stuff going on energetically as well. It is true that some of it may have been triggered by this, but I don't think that this is the whole picture. Given the Moon phase that we are in though (coming up to a full moon) I should be feeling much better and more energised than I am, instead though, most of the time I just feel like hibernating and bursting into tears.

Given my state of mind at the moment then I don't think actually that it is wise to be ringing too many shops, as I need to listen and pay attention to what is going on inside. The shops will no doubt pick up on a subtle level how I am feeling anyway, and are not likely to order because of this. By pushing myself to do things when I do not feel in the right space I could actually then create more problems for myself later on. Perhaps part of the problem is that I have been pushing myself too hard. The last month has been a real roller coaster ride in more ways than one.

At times like this I wish there was a vacancy on Lundy, as she would cheer me up and lift me out of this or at the very least, put me in the space where my head was clear enough to look at what lies beneath all of this. There is no space at all though until November/December.

I think I will then go back to bed for a while and just rest and give myself some healing.

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