I don't have to be right, just happy

It was so hot in the shop today that by the time I got home I felt like my uniform was sticking to every inch of my body. It must have been the hottest day of the year, with temperatures at what felt like at least 80 degrees and customers tempers fraying in the heat.

Everyone is on edge at the moment, since there is still no news of when or if we are to close. Our Area Manager had a meeting with the lease holder a week ago, and was supposed to let us know the outcome, but there is still no news.

In the midst of all this, and looking forward to Lundy, I am trying to figure out why the thread on self publishing that I spoke of yesterday is pressing my buttons so much. I am aware that much of the time, like the rest of humanity, I am driven by what has happened in my past, and this is bringing up all my issues to to do with rejection and the general unfairness of how I still perceive to a large extent, the publishing industry is run.

I said yesterday that many authors who are anti POD use the fact that they are commercially published in order to make themselves look and feel superior at our expense, and I am beginning to wonder whether there is an element of me doing the same thing, but in reverse. By painting everyone else to be the bad guys because of their inability to understand and agree with my point of view, I make myself into a victim, and therefore make them wrong. I then use the fact they I believe they are wrong to make myself feel better because I know something that they don't. It is a twisted kind of logic, but unfortunately true; the fact that I feel this I mean, not the fact that it is right.

It is not right for the simple reason that I am not a victim. I chose this route willingly. I may not have known everything that it would entail, but I had enough of an idea to know that it would not be the easiest of rides. The key is though as always, acceptance of what is, and so this only serves to make me aware that I still have work to do here. This gives my pain body much sustenance for it to sink its teeth into, but the fact I at least now recognise this pattern means that there is hope for m yet, and makes the acceptance that much easier. The painas alway comes from resistance, and so I will resist no more and accept that there is room for these views, and that I don't have to be right, just happy.