Friday, February 22, 2008

I have nothing left to give and am on the brink of giving up

Having got back from a week on beautiful Lundy almost a week ago (one week today in fact), it seems that all hell has broken loose since. If there really is no rest for wicked, then goodness knows what I have done. Coran and I often joke that we deserve each other, but I really do not think that anyone deserves the things that seem to be happening to me right now.

When I got back home last weekend, there was an energy alert from Karen Bishop waiting for me which explained a few things. Karen runs an excellent website called What's up on Planet Earth, which you can subscribe to, and which gives channelled messages about the energy changes that are taking place within mankind and the planet as we move towards 2012.

I had to laugh when I read the first two paragraphs which read:

"Where in the heck is all that abundance, those big waves of light, joy, peace, and everything else that is supposed to have arrived in 2008, the year of New Beginnings? Are you perhaps wondering… “New beginnings…hah! What has happened now? Are things ever going to change? When is my ship going to come in? I’m sorry I ever dared to hope that the tide would ever turn! Every time I get my hopes up, they seem to get dashed by yet more unpleasantness and disappointments!”

“I absolutely have no more left to give. My gas tank is empty, my battery is dead, and I am overdone waiting to receive. I can no longer serve, care, or even wade through masses of red tape, processes, or hoops to jump through in order to get anywhere! I need help! I can’t do this on my own anymore! I am wiped out, burnt out and exhausted, and now I am even getting cynical, angry, frustrated, impatient, edgy, grumpy, and even a bit depressed…even to the point where I have become darn right apathetic. I cannot go on like this for one more day! I have been stretched to the limit, and there is nothing more left that can stretch…this is just too much, especially after all I endured in 2007. I want to go home now…”

Boy do I know how this feels! It describes the year I have had (and the depressing bit is that we are only two months in) to a tee. Karen goes on to say that thankfully I am not alone, and loads of other light workers feel exactly the same. The energies keep building up and building up, like a pressure cooker, which results in lots of anger and frustration that things are not going the way that we feel they should be - life just seems too much of a struggle all the time. This is because the clearing that is needed is not yet complete (how much more can there be!), BUT the good news is that it will not be long, and our time will most definitely come by the end of the year!

For this to happen, we need to absolutely crystal clear about what it is we really and truly want - from the deepest parts of our souls and from our heart of hearts, because we will most assuredly receive it! This is not necessarily though what we “think” is possible, but what it is that we really and truly want… or to use new age jargon perhaps, what is most in alignment with our true and authentic selves. Well it doesn't take a genius for me to know what I truly and deeply want from my life - to make a full time living as a writer and be financially independent enough not to have to work for others for the rest of my life. Also though to have the means to continue going to Lundy two to three times a year, to be healthy and strong, debt free, to have Coran by my side, and to have enough to live on when I finally am old enough to retire - not a lot to ask for then!

Until then though I can wait and hope, and try and have positive thoughts.

It is though incredible difficult when I find myself in the situation that I am in. I very much enjoy my work, but there is still this continual conflict and worry at the back of my mind that I need to be out there selling books and spending time investing in my writing business and future. It is just not humanly possible to do this when the odds are stacked so heavily against you, and I am heartily fed up of continually pumping time and money into this project, when all that seems to happen is that I end up making yet more money for other people. I still do not think that it is right or ethical that the wholesaler who stocks my books and sends them out to book stores etc when they order them, makes almost twice per copy than what I do. It breaks my heart to think of this, and after what I discovered last night I really am at the very brink of giving up this whole thing.

When I got back from Lundy on Saturday, Gardners had 112 books in stock. I have not had the time to look all week as I have busy putting together the March edition of village newsletter, but when I went to their site last night, and typed in my ISBN, the figure had gone down from 112 to 41. As far as I am aware, no one has ordered in bulk during the past few days (I am sure that I would know about it were this the case), so it seems that the worst has finally happened, and they have sent some back.

I am absolutely fuming and destroyed by this decision, as I had been led to believe that I had won a reprieve and the books (not to mention my credit card) had been saved, quite apart from the fact that they were supposed to notify Richard if and when they did this, so that we could make sure that someone was in to receive these books. Well I am damned if I am going to take a day off work in order to wait in to pay for their mistake. It just makes me so angry to feel effectively used in this way, in the most horrible way I can imagine right now. Last night I felt like I had sunk into the deepest pit of despair. When the implications of this hit, I think I fell asleep crying and have been tossing and turning all night trying to figure a way out of this mess. This time though there isn't one - all the phone calls to book shops in the world will not save me, for it has already happened and I just have to accept the situation and deal with this.

Right now though I feel as if I can fight no more - as I simply have nothing left to give. I suppose I will give Richard a call after 9am though to see what he can find out.

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