Friday, April 04, 2008

From darkness to light

I feel as if I have been hibernating for six long months and am finally coming back to life. It is like I am awakening from a long and deep slumber. Some of this feeling may be attributed to the fact that we are moving from winter into spring, the clocks having moved forward by an hour here last weekend. Most of it though can be attributed to the fact that today I made some startling revelations.

This came about largely as a result of my reading with Diana Summer, which was illuminating indeed. I asked four questions - the first of which concerned both my working life and my book, and how to find the balance between the two. The second concerned a colleague from work, who has been pressing my buttons of late. The third was about the Amazon debate and the final question was regarding one of my crystal skulls, and whether it was appropriate to sell her on to another interested party. The answer in this case was a resounding no, but that was a small part of the reading, the most important things that Diana had to say concerned of course both the book and Amazon, which as I discovered, are inextricably linked.

After Richard made the decision to ask Gardners to take my book as a stocked title, I began to immerse myself totally in the publishing world. I spent hour after hour ringing various book stores, networking on various sites and surfing websites such as The Bookseller and Publishing News, so that I knew how the industry operated and really got to grips with what was happening in the book world. I poured my heart and my soul and everything I possibly had into that book, and not without good reason. But in so doing I created a huge problem, for in holding on to it so tight, and being so immersed, cocooned almost in this energy field, the book became almost a part of me, so much so that there was no longer a separation between the two, and I could not let it go to fly. That then is the reason why the sales, although very good by print on demand standards, did not meet my expectations, and that is also the reason why after all my hard work, those books came back - because I had never released them in the first place.

Part of the problem has also been this web of anger and frustration at the way that the industry operates, and this is closely tied to the Amazon debate. I don't think it is a coincidence that this kicked off while I was waiting for that reading, as it brought the whole thing (the anger and frustration that I have carried for far too long) to a head. It is then merely a symbol of the ongoing struggle that I have endured, or told myself that I endured, for six long months, in fact when I think back on it, seven long years, as this goes back to the time when I first began to write, back in March 2001 (was it that long ago?) They say that things go in seven year cycles, so it seems right then that this is the time to finally do what I should have done when the book was first published, and let it go.

Diana then talked me through some ideas for a short ritual which I conducted just after 3pm today in our back garden in the shimmering sunshine of a beautiful spring day. I laid out two copies of the book - one first edition, one second edition, surrounded by seven crystals which I cleansed first under running water, and my Ruby Aura crystal skull. I then lit a candle, which I placed in a plant pot to stop it from blowing out, and said a short invocation that I released all lower vibrational energies surrounding this book back to the universe, and all ties that bound the book to me, all forms of 'negative' emotion, such as fear, anger, frustration, guilt, unhappiness, despair, despondency, all the things I have felt for months now and not really been able to adequately put into words. I then left the books, together with the crystals and the candle in the garden for a few hours while I started to clear the house.

I started by moving those books that came from Gardners into the loft - out of sight will be out of mind. I then destroyed the original boxes that they came in, and started to clear the clutter from the living room that has been building up for months. Later on in the early evening, I played a CD of some nice soft dance music and walked around the house with some chimes, gently tapping them into each corner of each room throughout the house to clear the energy which has become stuck and has been holding both Coran and I back for some time.

The Amazon debacle can be seen as another symptom of the anger and frustration that until this morning surrounded me (thankfully it is now beginning to dissipate). It was entirely understandable that I reacted in the way that I did, and I don't regret the actions that I took, for life is too short for regrets, but with hindsight it was wrong for me to get so closely involved in a situation that does not appear to directly affect authors in this country. I mean no disrespect to my writing friends across the pond, and will continue to support them in any way that I can, but I have decided that I really cannot afford to give so much energy away fighting for this cause and getting even more angry and frustrated, as all it does is create a series of never decreasing circles. I am angry and this shows when I ring book stores and other outlets and so they don't order my book, then I get even more angry and so it goes on.

It is time I learnt to step back and realised that it is not my job to save the world. In one way or another I have been fighting all my life - fighting to be seen as a child in the playground, fighting for my parents love, fighting for acceptance from my peers, fighting for acknowledgement and fair treatment from various employers. In the end it boils down to the fact that deep down inside I have never accepted myself for who and what I am, and others have simply held a mirror up to face, and reflected that back at me.

It is not my job to save the world, but rather, my job to save myself. I say this in the knowledge that they are actually the same thing, for if I can learn to accept myself and the things that I see around me, then there will no longer be a need to fight in the first place. The pain that we feel is caused by our own resistance to what is happening around us. By accepting or rather, surrendering to the pain and looking for the lesson within, the pain diminishes and slowly dies, for the emotion is then neutralised.

The other side to this is that I need to put much more of my heart and soul into my work. The reason my colleague has been undermining me in the way that he has is because I have not been sufficiently present when at work. He has said several times that he did not realise I was talking to customers when I questioned him about why he butted in, and I did not understand how he could have felt this, but now I do. When one's energy and one's heart is elsewhere, as mine has been at work, you cannot be seen and cannot be heard and cannot be acknowledged, that is why he quite literally did not see that I was there with those customers and saying those things, for the simple reason that I was not. It is astoundingly simple and obvious when I think about it, and changes will be made to rectify this, starting on Monday.

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