Saturday, April 05, 2008

My reflection is changing

Today I am feeling so much better, and more relaxed than I have for a long time. It is like a ten tonne weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I can once again walk tall. There is a long way to go for sure, and an awful lot still to be let go of (it is as always an ongoing process), but changes are starting to be made.

When I woke up this morning and took my glasses cleaner out of my handbag, as I do every day, I found that I had broken my mirror. Normally this is a sign of seven years bad luck, but I don't believe in nonsense such as this. When I showed it to Coran, he commented that my reflection had changed, and I must say that I like the idea of that.

Since yesterday, I have been making a conscious effort to watch my mind a lot more (be more mindful), and I have been surprised at the number of times I catch myself thinking about this book. Diana Summer was right when she said to me that letting go of it would be like a grieving process, for already that is what it it beginning to feel like. I feel like I am at a loose end, as I have nothing to do - I am forbidden from doing any promotional work of any kind for the next three weeks, and have to try doubly hard not to get embroiled in any of the things currently going on in publishing either - this in some ways is even harder than the not doing any book work part.

I have become aware then of just how much time this has taken over my life - it is there from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed - this feeling that I should be doing this or doing that - nonsense of course, for the word should has such negative connotations. It implies guilt and that there will be consequences for not carrying out whatever it is we 'should' be doing. The word then is now banished from my vocabulary, to be replaced with the word could, as that implies much more of a choice, which is healthier all round.

What then have I done today? This morning I had the first of four appointments with my friend Melanie from the astrology group, who is studying reflexology. I volunteered to be one of her case studies, as a means of helping her out and getting some free treatment, I admit. She has a very light touch as she is still a relative beginner, but we all have to learn. I remember how nervous I was when I first started my massage course all those years ago (eleven to be exact, as it was just before I met Coran for the second time). I was terrified that I would hurt someone and be too rough, and I think Melanie, although she is also studying Polarity Therapy, probably feels the same way. It was very relaxing, and it was nice to meet up and have a good chat and get to know her a bit better. We will see each other again for the next session on Friday.

I then met Coran for lunch, and a bit of shopping before driving home in the rain. I did some surfing, and Coran went round to one of our neighbours houses to sort out a computer problem while I did some more clearing up - including wait for this - hoovering the house. I hate hoovering and only do it when I absolutely have to. I even washed the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom.

I am now having a breather while I write this blog, and another entry in a moment re the latest Amazon developments (I really am trying not to get het up about this now!), before settling down with a nice cup of tea and the latest edition of Star Trek. Coran had better be home in the next half hour then, as I haven't a clue how to work our video recorder !

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