My body speaks my mind

I may have some interesting news regarding Amazon to report later on today or next week, but for the moment I need to write about how I am feeling. I always find it difficult to really get sufficiently into the body to be able to interpret its signals into words, and find myself relying on books to do this for me - books such as Louise Hay's 'You Can Heal Your Life' or the wonderful 'Your Body Speaks Your Mind' by Debbie Shapiro. Both are excellent books, but Debbie's I find is much more grounded and uses language that is far easier to understand and less flowery - phrases such as 'who or what is being a pain in the neck' for example for someone who is suffering from neck pain.

Neck pain as it turns out, is one of several symptoms that I am experiencing right now, as well as a sore throat and acute constipation. More squeamish readers may like to find another site to go to now!

Debbie says though on page 151 of her book, "that our relationship with defecation is indicative of our relationship with 'our own s***' - our inner pain and darkness - how easily we accept and let go, or if we cling and hold on." Sometimes I feel as if I have been holding on all my life, to so much pain, and there has been a lot in my short life - the pain of losing my father just before my 16th birthday, the pain of my brother leaving home when I was 13, the pain of my sister's illness, the pain of losing my mother just before the millennium, the pain caused by various jobs, the pain of Coran's situation which I have so far never spoken of on here, but at the moment, the greatest pain I feel is the constant conflict between the need to live in the real world and pay the bills by going to work four days a week, and the need to follow my heart and do what I love by writing.

I know that I am not alone in this, and Grumpy Old Bookman paints a thoroughly depressing picture in this regular column on the last but one page of the April edition of Writers News. He cites an essay written by photographer Brooks Jensen entitled 'What it means to be an artist'. What Jensen has to say though could as Grumpy points out (and he lives up to his name admirably in this particular column) just as easily apply to writers.

Basically what Jensen has to say is that it is pretty much a waste of time having aspirations of artistry, and you had better face the fact now that no matter how hard you study or how much work you put in, you will "NEVER, EVER SELL A PIECE OF ARTWORK (WRITING) FOR ANY PRICE, TO ANYONE, AT ANY TIME." This may be an exaggeration of course, but when I look honestly at my own life, actually up until this point he is right - I have never sold one single piece of anything that I have written - sure I have had plenty of things published on the Internet and in one or two magazines, but I have not been paid for any of these things, and neither have I been paid in the true sense for publishing my book, but instead I paid them.

Jensen paints a depressing picture of artists (writers) whom having qualified, are pressured by the family and friends to get out there and acquire a 'real job'. The implications of this he said (and I can really relate to this one), are profound: "You will spend no less than forty hours a week (32 in my case) doing something you dread in order that you may have your evenings, weekends, and a few precious weeks of vacation each year in which to create your artwork (writing) and have meaning and purpose in you life".

The rest of it is just too depressing for me to state here, but it does not get any better. This is sadly the reality that tens of thousands of would-be writers the world over have to live by. I know this as I 'speak' to them virtually every day on the Internet. While it does bring some
degree of comfort to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, I am still constipated and suffering from a sore throat and stiff neck because of it (what a pain in the arse and the neck). With regard to the constipation though, it occurs to me that I have no right really to expect anything else, when I constantly complain about what a bum deal we authors get !

With regard to the neck though, this has been an ongoing and occasional problem for me for months now, if not years, and one that I had previously just put down as an occupational hazard caused by too much computer work. Debbie Shapiro states "that the neck forms a natural cut off point between the head and the rest of the body - a bridge between the head and the heart, or the absolute and the relative. It is the place where a mind-body split most often manifests itself, especially if the two-way communication between the intellectual mind and the feeling heart is in any way conflicting."

She goes on to say (on page 113) "that if we have a stiff or painful neck are we seeing only our own point of view? Are you feeling prejudiced or resistant towards someone? Are you becoming narrow minded in your attitudes? Or is someone being a 'pain in the neck', perhaps by asking you to look beyond yourself? A stiff neck also limits the amount of feeling that can be expressed from within. Are you holding back your feelings? Are they too strong to express? When you cannot move your neck freely this indicates stubbornness and rigidity. What is needed to ease your neck? Is something strangling you, do you feel unable to move? A stiff neck may also indicate an inability to make a decision - not knowing which way to turn."

Well, no surprises there then. Regular readers of this blog will know that this is pretty much (especially the last bit) how I have been feeling for some time now - in fact, ever since I returned to work. The question is though, what am I going to do about it? The pain as always, is caused by own resistance towards change and the need to move forwards. I know what I need to do - cut my hours to three days a week, or find a more flexible job, but because I enjoy what I do and I have got used to the routine, I continue with things the way that they are by kidding myself that I cannot afford to do anything else.

This is madness and it has to stop. Every day I go to work knowing what I need to do and intending to speak to my boss and put the wheels in motion, but it never gets done. I was pleased the other day when my Assistant Manager said they would offer me more money rather than let me leave, but in reality there would be little they could do to stop me were I that determined, and at this stage I really do have to think of myself and follow my own heart. It is becoming obvious that if I don't, I will continue to wither away making myself and everyone around me more and more angry, and more and more miserable until there is nothing left. If I allow things to get this far then that will be the end of any writing aspirations anyway, as it will have been 'knocked out of me' good and proper and all the creativity will be stifled and gone, just like it was towards the end of my time at my previous job.

I will not allow things to get to this stage again before I take action. Yesterday (and this may be why the neck is feeling a little better today) I took decisive action and applied for that job with the National Trust. I worked in the same shop as a volunteer for six months and so know and get on very well with the shop manager and her paid staff. I also know and get on well with the ladies in the servery, who would from time to time be assisting me. Perhaps more importantly though, I know I can do the job, and do it well, and it would much better for me. The 11am start would give me time to ring some book stores every day before I went to work, and the 5pm finish would enable to be home earlier to relax and enjoy longer evenings at home. More importantly than all of that though is that I would once again be free to follow my hearts desire. As for the money - I just remember the name of that famous book written by someone whose name escapes my memory - 'Do what you love and the money will follow'.

Foyled at last!

If you are wondering why I haven't posted for a few days, it is because Coran and I have just got back from a lovely long weekend in Glastonbury. We tend to get two reactions when we tell people we are going there - either the eyes glaze over, or people ask us if we are going to the music festival - in November - I don't think so!

During the 10 or so years that I have been visiting the town though, I have observed it gradually becoming more and more commercialised. Apart from the book shops, and the Goddess shop - The Goddess and the Green Man, everything seems to be the same. Crystals, new age velvety type clothes, incense, candles, trinket boxes, cards, the same old stuff with nothing really all that new or innovative. Sometimes the new age doesn't then seem so new after all. Even the cafes all tend to do the same old stuff - garlic bread with salad, burger with chips, nut roast with all the trimmings (I suppose it makes a change from a plate of vegetables though, minus the meat).

I had been sort of toying with the idea of going to the annual Questing Conference which was held this year the town's Assembly Rooms - a venue which was far too small for an event of this size and calibre. Normally when it is held in London, the conference attracts up to 50o people, but the Assembly Rooms struggle to accommodate 200. I doubt very much then that I would have been able to get a ticket on the door anyway. One of the ladies who was also staying at the Chalice Well Lodge was called Lynne, and she went along having bought her ticket in advance, and said that as interesting as the talks were, by the end of the first day (it went on from 10am to 8pm) she was flagging. I am not surprised. I feel sorry for the last few speakers of the day, who would not have had much of an audience, especially with all the fireworks going off outside.

Coran and I wandered in on Sunday afternoon, after our nut roast in the Cafe Galatea to have a look at the stalls. I had a stall myself at last years conference near Regents Park for which I paid the princely sum of £90 (they must have seen me coming). I made quite a large loss then on the day. The stalls for this year were cheaper at £50 for the 2 days (10am to 8pm on Saturday and 10am - 4pm on Sunday). Even so, I am still not convinced that I would have covered that cost,
not to mention the cost of accommodation and petrol to get down there.

There was the usual array of stalls though selling books by the various speakers and jewellery etc, but there was also a stall from an extraordinary talented lady Gothic artist named Anne Sudworth. Anne is famed for her Gothic fantasy artwork with moonlit night time scenes of trees and strange creatures. She looks quite fearsome with her black hair entwined with white beads and thick make up - so many layers of mascara and at least four shades of lipstick. What a lovely lady though she is and so different to the outer persona - very softly spoken and almost gentle, yet a strong business woman at the same time. Coran bought a copy of her latest book which she gladly signed and we exchanged business cards as well. If I had had the money and somewhere to hang it, I would have loved to have bought one of her prints - the originals she told us sell for up to £1800. Fantastic work that you have to see for yourself and a very talented and beautiful lady with the most extraordinary energy.

One of the other reasons though for going was of course to visit the book shops in town - Growing Needs are already stocking me I discovered, as I emailed them some time ago. It looks as if the Chalice Well book shop will be ordering as well today, since they do deal with Gardners, and Labyrinth Books will too, as soon as they can open an account. They would have bought direct from me had I been able to offer them the 35 percent discount that they needed - the most I can go to though is 30 percent before it becomes unviable - I would be making less than £2 a copy and could still end up having to pay for return postage if they books didn't sell. Gothic Image were also given information and will be receiving a follow up phone call some time later this week.

A few things seem to have happened then in the book trade these last few days. The big news I suppose is that it looks like this will be Richard and Judy's last season with their morning show. They are though talking about a move to Channel Four instead, so all is not lost. Hopefully the same will be said for Simon Key and Tim West, two ex colleagues from Waterstones in Wood Green, who following the stores closure in August are about to open their own independent book store just up the road, also in Wood Green. They are asking for publishers to get in touch with suggestions for back list titles that they can stock, since they know that this is the largest share of the market - I will have to have a look than at the genres that they are seeking, and if one of them is mine, I will get in touch, and suggest that Richard does the same. It may be a possible venue for the book club that he mentioned at the recent anniversary dinner.

Looking at Grumpy Old Bookman though today, I noticed some comments that he had posted last week (Thursday) which I must have somehow missed, about Foyles, the oldest independent book seller in London. This takes the form of some comments made to the wife of one of his regular readers, who contacted them with some suggestions as to how to improve their website. The reply that she received is breathtaking in its arrogance, and I can't wait to contact their book buyer later on today to follow up that email I sent some time ago .... In particular this lady asked them why they do not encourage bloggers and authors to set up links to Foyles website rather than amazon. They said:

"Many of the links to Amazon do come from small self-published and independent works, and as a small business we often do not have the capacity to process orders for such titles. Many small publishers or self-published authors require payment for multiple copies of books or payment by cheque before they release orders. Amazon can afford to keep reserves of these small titles in their large warehouse if ordering multiples, whereas we do not have this capacity. These are authors who need us, rather than vice versa, and thus offer these links free."

These authors need us more than we need them! Hang on a minute - if it wasn't for us writing our books then they would have nothing to sell in the first place. They act as if they are the only book seller in the country, when they are a comparatively small fish. While it would be nice to be stocked by them, I certainly won't lose sleep if I don't manage it, but they might lose valuable long term back list sales .... I think they are very wrong indeed then to say this.

As for notion that we are awkward as we demand payment for our books up front, well it just shows how little they know about the industry the are working in. For one thing, amazon do not have a warehouse of their own, all their titles are obtained from wholesalers in the same way that book stores get theirs - you do not supply amazon then direct and as usual this person is talking out of the thing that he (only a man would be so stupid as to say this!) sits on! Why the hell though shouldn't we expect to be paid before we release titles to them that we have written. I can just imagine going into one of their stores and saying I will pay you for this book in three months time after I have decided whether I like it, no it wouldn't wash. Yo would be arrested for shop lifting. This just then goes to show just breathtakingly arrogant these people are and exactly what people like me and my friend Tracy Saunders are up against every day.

The comments though speak for themselves, enough said ....

Still Plugging Away ....

I have decided that since the book seems to be getting so much publicity of late, it is time to revamp my website, and so these past few days have been busy having a total redesign. It is not the first time I have done this, of course, but this time my partner Coran, who is himself a website designer has been able to help. A year ago he was only just starting this business and did not have that much experience (he has had to learn as he went along). I could have asked him to do the site for me, but being the control freak that I am, and also knowing that the more of my own energy is in there the better it will be, thought it was best that I did most of the work. The Genesis of Man and Genesis Files sections are then nearly complete, and I am the moment halfway through the Egyptian section. Some of the old files will go, and a lot of the pictures with them, and the site will have a brand new and much more professional feel, to go with the brand new and more professional me !

I emailed Michael Allen, aka Grumpy Old Bookman a few days ago, since he mentioned me on his blog a few months back, and I was delighted in that he gave me a wondeful write up over the weekend, which seems to have resulted in several more visits to the site. His blog was listed as one of the top writers blog sites in the Guardian newspaper in 2005, so quite a few industry insiders do visit from time to time.

Talking of industry insiders, I am pleased to report that Paul has also been very active today. He has contacted an online book store called Methuens, who from what I gather are based in Guildford, which is only up the road from me. He has also contacted Virgin Books, Publishing News (I actually emailed their news editor myself last week, and also posted a press release on their forum), the Daily Express book club and Richard and Judy. They are coming to the end o their current season, but that is not such a bad thing, since it means they will be looking for more books to publicise, and although they do mostly feature fiction, they have been known to plug non fiction books as well, so you never know. He also contacted Writers News again and filled them in on what has been happening, and it looks as if they will expand the feature that they had already been planning to run.

For my part I rung around 20 or so more Waterstones today - only secured one definate order from Brighton, but several more stores sound more than interesting and requested further information. I finally managed to get back through to Borders in Oxford Street as well, although Adam Hughes, the MBS Buyer was in a Buyers meeting ! Apparently he has written to me. I will be watching for the postman tomorrow then with bated breath. I wonder if he was presenting my book at the very same Buyers meeting that he was in when I rang .....

Book Signings and Book Musings

Had a fairly quiet, but nevertheless eventful day. Did some more ringing round this morning and secured an order from Brentwood in Essex - just 2 copies, but it is a start and better than nothing. Six more Waterstones though sound interested - Aylesbury, Boston (Lincolnshire), Bishops Stortford (near Stansted in Essex), Belfast, Bournemouth and Brighton. There are actually two shops in Bournemouth, and I spoke to both of them. The smaller was happy to talk to me on the phone, but the larger requested that I post them information, which I have done today. The manager I spoke to at Belfast sounded particularly interested, and I would be very surprised indeed if he does not end up ordering some. I also caught up with the some of the other stores that asked me to send them information last week. Borders in Brighton received the information and will be in touch, Newbury are having a meeting on 23rd re the theology group and will get in touch to confirm dates, Beckton (East London) I could not get hold of, and I have not so far been able to get hold of Adam at Oxford Street either. He is on late night today though (working until 11pm poor thing), so I will try again later on. I also heard from back Grumpy Old Bookman to say that he will give me a mention at some point next week - will keep on eye on site then and post the link on here as soon as it goes up. This morning I also had an email from my friend Michele Doucet in Canada. I occasionally write for her ezine, Gateway to the Soul. She is putting a new book section though on her site and wants to feature mine. She sent me a load of questions then to answer, which I replied to and sent back. Will also post the link here as soon as it goes live. She notified me in fact of a problem with the paypay link on my ordering page, which did not for some reason seem to work. I have now rectified it though, and it must be working since I received an order from one of the members of My Writers Circle, which I posted half an hour ago. Tracy, whom I got to know via Books and Tales, a POD comparison forum has also apparently tried to order one. I am not sure how though, since her email was a little garbled and dificult to understand ! I am sure though that all will be revealed. I almost forgot in fact to mention the most important thing of all - I am doing a book signing at Waterstones in Staines ! It has all been confirmed for October 20th from 11am to 12 noon. Only for an hour, but I am sure all will go very well. My friend Jillyanne runs a dancing school in Staines as it happens, and has promised to bring along a lot of her pupils, so I straight away emailed her. She is away on holiday at the moment, but will see it when she gets back. I hope she doesn't have classes at this time !

In the news

The new and updated edition, I am assured will finally be going to print either today or Monday, more likely Monday in fact, since I am still waiting on the PDF for me to check through. I have to receive that for approval before it can go to print, as I need to check that the page numbering and so on has not got horribly screwed up in the conversion process.

I find that doing the formatting oneself teaches one a lot about Word. My partner, Coran who is a professional website designer (and a very good one at that) says that I have taught even him things about Word that he did not know. In particular how to create an index, which is an essential tool for a book like mine. Also simple little things like the page numbering being different on odd and even pages and how to ensure that the prelims are numbered in Roman numerals and the main text in normal numbers (i.e, 1, 2, 3 etc).

Today I have a double reason to celebrate! I am mentioned on one of the UK's Top 10 writers blog sites (according to The Guardian newspaper anyway, and who am I to question their judgment?). The site is called Grumpy Old Bookman, and is run by one Michael Allen, a 68 year old writer (and reader) from Wiltshire, here in good old England. No offence to my American readers, but it is good to know that there are sites out there aimed at helping to promote those outside the US, and more to the point, who do not automatically assume that you are American. Other British writers (particularly from one site that shall remain namesless), will know what I mean ...

Here then is the link to what Grumpy (sorry, Michael) has written. I think it is rather good, and he has impeccable taste ...

Life, the universe and everything in between .....

Have been feeling a bit strange and out of sorts again these past few days - all the doubts and that nagging voice of the ego has been creeping in again, comparing myself to other more 'successful' self published authors, which is always a futile exercise. I mean, why would I want to be like anyone else, when I can wonderful old me. In church tonight, Margaret, who did the service, was saying that this has been a horrible old year for most of us, since all those things that we thought we had dealt with have been coming up to bite us on the bum - she wasn't joking. It has certianly been the most difficult and challenging year that I remember - one of intense joy, but also the most intense pain.

I managed to sell another copy though on Friday, which is good, and now makes a total of 39 of them. This one went to a lady called Jane, who was visiting the Journey group for the first time. She is an author herself as it happens, on interior design and soft furnishings, and also works for a conference organiser, so has lots of nedia contacts. Might then be a useful person to know. I do get the strong impression, with being introduced to both her and Paul in the space of a week, that something interesting is in store. I have had my first taste of dealing with local media as well this week, with the local papers. I spoke to the lady at the Epsom Post at the beginning of the week, and it looks like they will definately be running a piece. Will have to cut it out and keep it for my portfolio then and also to pin up on the noticeboard that the Sanctuary have set aside for my stall for next weekend.

Yesterday I also had an email from Nadine, a very good friend of mine from Arizona, whom I got to know via one of the writers sites I post on - My Writers Circle, to say that that she had mentioned my book to the Grumpy old man - he is one of those blog book reviewers, based in the UK, who review the best self published books. His site is frequently visited by agents and editors, so you never know. If he shows an interest, then I would certainly be willing to send him a copy and maybe even organise an interview to go on his site. Must remember to add a link to Nadine's site next time I do some updates.

I also had the idea to try and order a copy from both Borders and Waterstones in Kingston to see what happened. I had been told by Paul that many of Richard's authors seem to have problems with prospective buyers trying to get their books from shops, as shops only order books that show as being in stock on their ordering system. With POD of course, the books are printed to order, so are not kept in stock, as it is the act of ordering a copy that causes them to be printed in the first place. I have notified everyone on my mailing list then just to make sure, and also added a note to the ordering page on both websites. While I was in Borders, I happened to notice a flyer for their new mind, body and spirit group, which one of their managers, Charlotte told me some time ago. She was supposed to get back to me with a view to doing a talk, but I never did hear from her. The sales assistant though called her over to the information desk and we had a chat. It sounds like she is definately interested in me doing a talk for the group, possibly in december. This is great, since the store will be packed at this time of year. She asked me to email her colleague, the organiser, Linda with details of the book and the suggested theme for the evening. If they do book me, then they will order 20 copies of the book to try and sell on the night. I didn't tell them that their Head Office had turned it down !

Coran suggested the slogan Genesis of Man, life, the universe, and everything in between, which actually I really like. It is a play on Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, but I think it works really well, as my book is about life, the universe and pretty much everything in between. The everything in between also pertains to the need to balance the light and the dark, becoming, grey, like the space in between, and at the same time, using our own grey matter, by thinking for ourselves. I have then ordered some more postcards with this new slogan on them as VistaPrint have some good offers at the moment. With luck they will arrive in time for the weekend. The last lot was here within about 3 days, even with the slow delivery.

That's it for today then, will post some more as and when I have something to report.