Exorcising a few ghosts

I think I have successfuly exorcised whatever ghosts I was supposed to be exorcising this weekend regarding my ex employers. It really is though a funny old world. Just when you think you have dealt with something, it comes back to whip you on the backside. I thought actually I had dealt with the whole Mr C thing years ago actually. I thought about them both from time to time, as one does, but not with anger or resentment, just curiosity really. I even saw Mr C Senior or his wife, B once or twice, the last time when they came through my check out at Sainsbury's, which must have been at least two years ago then, since I left there in August 2005. He did seem a bit vague then come to think of it.

I had a long chat this morning though with the mother in law (shop owners Mum) and managed to put a few ghosts to bed. I said to her how strange it was seeing them all again, and did she realise that I actually used to work for the C's. She didn't, as it was a long time ago, when her daughter and Mr C Junior had just met. They kept splitting up and getting back together again, but basically I think did love each other. It was just that they were a lot younger then without the same responsbilities. It is what a lot of young couples do.

Anyway, I won't say too much since this is their personal life that I am dealing with, but they have been married now for four years and have a thirteen year old daughter. She also has a fifteen year old daughter from her first husband. They have obviously been through a lot together then in that time, as couples do. That is normal and to be expected. Apparently though Mr C Senior has been quite ill in recent years (he is certainly not the fit and active mid to late 50's gentleman that I knew and worked for all those years), so he was not ignorng me, but probably genuinely didn't realise who I was.

That put things into perspective though, since I realised that I was staying angry with an old and not very well man, and well, it was all water under the bridge, and I really did have to move on and put this behind me. Stop seeing the daugher in law as well as being married to my ex boss (or the son of), but as an intelligent and charismatic young woman who runs a very successful business and should be applauded for that at having done so well, despite health problems of her own and a broken marriage. So that is what I endeavoured to do, and as a result, I actually had a really good day and a great laugh.

I didn't make much money during the weekend - I sold one new book and one old, plus three second hand books and two boxes of cards, but that is okay. The mind of course tries to tell you otherwise, by playing all these tricks, the usual 'people are spending money on other things, so why not my book', but well, I have been there and heard it all before. I am observing it now in fact, in the background, still trying to get my attention. It is okay though, for it is what it is, and it reminds me that I still have work and a lot more clearing to do. That though is life, and no one is perfect, if I was then what would be the point in my being here.

Tomorrow then I go to the Post Office and pay in the grand sum of £35.81 that I took during the two days, plus the float of course, and then I off to an interview in Reigate. This is actually a second interview for a company that produce shipping guides (information on ports etc) and I will be working three days a week, with a job sharer, updating changes to the guide ob a typesetting system. I am one of two people who has been called in to meet the boss and the job sharer, Ruth, so that means that I have a 50 percent chance of getting the job.

I do need a job now, since despite my successes with the book, royalties do not as yet pay the bills, plus the fact that I cannot live forever on the the funds that I have left from Mum's inheritance, well not at the rate that I am going anyway. Fingers (and everything else) then crossed (might be a bit difficult to type!).

A face from the past

I had a strange but interesting day today at St Michael's. In fact, it started really on Friday night when we were setting up.

A new new age shop has recently opened in Ewell Village, where I used to live and where the Sanctuary is based. The lady who runs the shop was one of the exhibitors at the festival both today and tomorrow. Coran (who is one of the St Michaels trustees) and I went into the shop a few weeks ago to introduce ourselves and finalise the arrangements for setting up. I didn't recognise her, so imagine my surprise when she recognised me and introduced herself as the wife of my ex boss.

I worked for his fathers company for six years from 1984 - 1990 as a Telex Operator. Well actually I worked for four years as a Telex Operator, based at the father's house on Epsom Downs, and then for a further two years at the son's (her husbands) house in West Ewell. They ran a Telex Bureau which had some interesting customers - among them the Conservative MP David Howell, the Leonard Cheshire Foundation, and handbag company Tula Bags. This part of the company though ceased trading in 1988, and they opened up a new telex switching business with clients predominantly in Saudi Arabia. I worked as a Communications Supervisor for this part of the company then from 1988 to 1990, working Saturdays and Sundays from 8am to 8pm (7am to 7pm in winter) initially from the son's house in West Ewell and later from a shop in Worcester Park, opposite my old infants school in Vale Road.

On July 1st 1990, I went on holiday to Canada for three weeks, and when I came back, I stepped out of the taxi and opened the front door to be greeted by my mother. I can still remember the words that she said, 'hello darling, did you have a nice holiday' she said 'by the way, your boss rang, the company has gone bankrupt and you no longer have a job. Ring him when you get over the shock'. What a homecoming!

Ring him though I did, though ittle good it did me. I later found out, when I tried to sign on that in all the six years that I had worked for him he had paid neither my National Insurance or Income Tax, despite the fact that he taken it from my pay slips. I took months for me to sort that out, and I clearly remember several conversations with the investigation team at Epsom Tax Office where they told me that they went to the father (Mr C's) house and a man answering his description answered the door and told them that Mr C has emigrated. Of course, because they had never met him before, they could not prove that it was him, and so as far as I know, he got away with it. After about a year I heard back from the Inland Revenue to say that they had been unable to trace his whereabouts, and so had taken both my Tax and National Insurance for those six years as paid. Still, it was huge worry while it was all going on.

After I left his company anyway, I obtained a place at college to study travel and tourism. Most of the other students were much younger than I was (sixteen and seventeen as opposed to my twenty five) and so I did not really fit in. I would not say that I was actually bullied, but the girls did their best for the most part, to ignore me, and my life was then, less than pleasant. I managed to make one friend, a Spanish girl named Nuria, and we were close for a while. She was married to a American-Italian business banker called John Paolo. After she left college she went back to Spain, as she was homesick, and so we lost touch.

The Gulf War put paid to any plans I might have had for a career in the travel industry, that and the age discrimination, which at that time was rife within the travel business. You see, all they were interested in was trainees who were eligible for youth training schemes, and young college graduates that they could mould to their company ethos. I was neither of those, and so didn't get a look in, even though by the time I was twenty five I had travelled half way round the world on my own, and even though I had already worked in an office. None of that counted.

I then drifted into retail, as it seemed the easiest and most flexible thing to do. By then telex machines were obsolete anyway, as faxes and email were beginning to take over, and after my experience with that company I was loathe to go back into an office environment. In hindsight I wish I had made a different choice, but then hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I ended up then working for Superdrug part time, all the time relying on overtime to make up my meagre wages while they refused to give me a full time contract. I learned long ago that when it comes to retail, those three little words 'must be flexible' mean 'must be available at our beck and call'. After four years I had enough of it and so got a full time with their rival, Boots. That though didn't last and I got the sack after less then two months. I quickly though got a job with Cornhill Insurance as a Motor Vehicle Inspections Controller, and that is when my luck began to change.

It was around this time that I first discovered spirituality, and the rest as they say is history. After Cornhill I went back into retail, in kitchen and bathroom showrooms, until my Mum died at the end of 1999. It was then that I gave up work in order to initially study crystal therapy, and later to write my book.

Seeing the son there on Friday then and again today, felt very strange and made the memories of those six years and what his father did come flooding back. I know it is not his or his wife's fault, but I felt really quite awkward and embarrassed to be reminded of who I was back then. You see, I did not like who was I then, and I do not want to be reminded of that. I realise of course that those experiences have shaped me into the person that I am, and I should in many ways be grateful for it, but still it feels awkward, especially since she wants to actually stock copies of my book in her shop.

The thing that made me feel the most awkward was when Mr C Senior and his wife, B came into the Sanctuary at one point. Of course they are both a lot older than when I knew them (early 70's) and Betty at least did not recognise me. Mr C Senior though definately did, as he stood by my table, about two feet away, staring at the name on my book cover and trying not to look at me. I can only surmise that he must still be carrying guilt from those times, and in a way so am I. I actually felt quite sorry for him, as he is now an old man, but at the same time, I was also aware of this great anger rising up inside up, and part of me that wanted to go and talk to him and tell him the consequences of what he did, and how it has affected my life. I chose not to though fkir two reasons; firstly I did not want to make a scene as his grandchildren were there, and secondly because I knew that if I did I would turning myself into a victim and a martyr and that is not a role that I want to be seen in, or experience.

The family though are back in my life for a reason, so I have a find a way of reconciling how I feel. I can see as well in way that the roles have reversed, as I am now, or soon will be, a business supplier rather than an employee. Of course though, it is the shop owner and daughter in law that I shall be dealing with rather than her husband or father in law, both of whom I worked for. Still, it seems strange how this all came about, and I can't help but wonder why they have come back into my life at this time and how best to deal with it?

Something for the weekend

It is always difficult not to compare yourself to others who have similar blogs to you, and I must admit that it has been at the back of my mind a to why so few people seem to post comments on here ! Is this an indcator perhaps that no one actually looks at this blog ? My fears have put firmly to bed though this week, as I have had several emails from people praising what I do here. In particular, this morning I had an email from one Jim Carroll, another writer it seems who came across my musings on Books and Tales. That in turn led him to my site, and then from there to this blog, which he says is a mine of information and very helpful and refreshingly honest. Well, I do my best ! Jim is also considering self publishing his first novel, and by the sound of it, has several more in the pipeline, but is unsure as to how to proceed, since he is moving to Australia in the New Year. I wish him luck.

To pick up then where I left off, on Wednesday I did some more ringing round and was delighted to secure orders from 2 more stores - again both Waterstones - Market Harborough (Leicestershire) and wait for this - The Trafford Centre in Manchester. I think I am correct in saying that Authorhouse writers pay something like £500 for this privilige. This sum buys them space for 3 months on the Authorhouse stand, where up to 3 copies of their book will be continuously displayed. The scheme extends to several branches, inclduding Oxford Street in London.

Of course the only problem is (and I have it on good authority that this has not changed) that the Authorhouse stand is not genre specific. Everything is lumped together on this one stand, which in Oxford Street at least, is placed slap, bang in the middle of the fiction area, This is great if you happen to write fiction, but as everyone knows, the majority of books written are actually non fiction, which need to be displayed in their own section relevant to their particular genre. Otherwise, how are people going to find them? Of course, when I mentioned this at the Authorhouse seminar I went to, in 2006, I was told 'oh well, people do browse the store though, so will find the books that way'. Not so! If you know you are looking for a particular type of book, you browse that section only, and if you do not find what you want, then you either go elsewhere, or you go and ask the sales staff where to find it. Perhaps most worryingly of all then, is that when I asked the staff in Oxford Street where the Authorhouse stand was, they were unable to tell me. Lesson - you don't need to spend £500 to get into these stores, all you need is a good product and to be able to get through to the right person at the right time, and sell yourself !

Thursday (yesterday) was as usual National Trust day, so I didn't do any book work, and then today (Friday) I am spending most of the day pricing up various bits and pieces for the St Michaels Mind, Body and Spirit Festival, which is this weekend. I shall be there with my books, and I am also, as an experiment going to bring along some batches of cards - quotations from the book, which I have printed out on Decadry business cards, and placed with a crystal, in some nice little shiny boxes from Clinton Cards. I will see how they go, and if they go well, then I may consider printing some more and selling them from website.

The Post Office is then calling, for me to go and get change for the weekend, so on that note, I shall sign off.

Feeling Blah

I don't know what has been wrong with me these past few days, it is almost like all my energy has gone. I just feel so despondent and low, and although I know there is loads that I should be doing, somehow I just don't have the wherewithall to do anything at all. Every time I think of ringing some more book shops, I bottle out, as somehow I just can't face it. I am sure what then is going on or how long this will last, but hope it doesn't go on too much longer. It has been a few days now, and the last shop I rang was on Wednesday last week, when I last wrote on here.

Everything seems to be a real effort though, even going to the gym I find that I have to really push myself and do not seem to have the same stamina. I can usually lift up to 21 kilos on most of the machines without problems, but it seems to be a real effort to lift even 14 kilos at the moment. I only managed 20 minutes cycling as well this morning, and normally I can do half an hour, with rowing as well before that. Each rower I tried today though seemed to have a flat battery, so I gave up in the end.

Last week I wrote that this other book was pressing my buttons, but I think that this is more than that, and there is stuff going on energetically as well. It is true that some of it may have been triggered by this, but I don't think that this is the whole picture. Given the Moon phase that we are in though (coming up to a full moon) I should be feeling much better and more energised than I am, instead though, most of the time I just feel like hibernating and bursting into tears.

Given my state of mind at the moment then I don't think actually that it is wise to be ringing too many shops, as I need to listen and pay attention to what is going on inside. The shops will no doubt pick up on a subtle level how I am feeling anyway, and are not likely to order because of this. By pushing myself to do things when I do not feel in the right space I could actually then create more problems for myself later on. Perhaps part of the problem is that I have been pushing myself too hard. The last month has been a real roller coaster ride in more ways than one.

At times like this I wish there was a vacancy on Lundy, as she would cheer me up and lift me out of this or at the very least, put me in the space where my head was clear enough to look at what lies beneath all of this. There is no space at all though until November/December.

I think I will then go back to bed for a while and just rest and give myself some healing.

Time to step back

I have noticed these last few days that certain things have been pressing my buttons like mad. The biggest of these by far has been a spiritual novel, whose name I won't mention directly which has been doing the rounds. The author of this book, who according to her website, worked in the city before having children is putting out the intent to sell 1 million books by December, when her book is presumably self published, and 100 million by the end of next year (I think I got that right). In order to do this, she placed full page advertisements in last weekend's London, New York and Sydney Times. I have no idea what the response to this has been, since last time I looked there was no mention on her website.

The thing that is pressing my buttons more than anything though is not the fact the she is doing this, but the fact that she can afford to do this, because in my mind it does reinforce the idea of there being a very uneven playing field when it comes to the whole publishing business. Money does definitely talk, and it is not what you have written that counts, but who you know and how many you can sell, for this you can also read those who can afford to pay. It is bit like Random House or one of the other large publishers paying book stores for prime space.

The other thing that has been annoying me is the fact that this book seems to be being endorsed by a lot of well known people within the spiritual community and circulated around the Internet. A lot of these same people promised to do the same with my own book but didn't. I suppose it goes back to the same old thing though - why were they not honest enough to tell me that they were unable to keep those promises, and why did they feel they had to fob me off in this way by making promises they have not been able to keep.

Having thought about this in detail though yesterday, and discussed it at length with Coran, it is almost as if seeing all the things that this woman is going and the successes that she appears to be enjoying (although I don't actually know if she is, or whether it may turn out to be nothing but hype), it makes me feel that the things that I am doing are not enough and are not good enough. This is of course total rubbish. I have put an extraordinary amount of my own time, energy, and yes, money into this project and I know that the universe will respond. Slowly at first to begin, but then things will get bigger and bigger until they snowball.

My own goals are if anything far more realistic, as hardly any books in all of history have sold 100 million copies in one year - if she is self published, imagine stuffing all those envelopes - this is a sure fire way to get RSI and never write a book again ! I have learnt the industry inside out though from the bottom up (quite literally) so although i may be aiming lower at asking for 1000 sales by the end of the tax year, this is far more realistic and achievable.

It seems at the moment though that I am trying almost too hard and pushing things to happen before they and I are ready for things to happen. I bumped into my friend Soraya yesterday on the way home from the gym yesterday and was talking about this with her. She mentioned that there was an interesting article re this on Jelaila Starr's website (Jelaila being spokesperson for the Nibiruan Council). I had a read of that last night then and digested what she had to say. That was basically then when things get like this, where it feels like you are continually hitting a brick wall then you need to step back and analyse. So that is what I have done.

I went back to the drawing board and thought about how much better I could sound when ringing book stores if I had some answers prepared, kind of like the sales spiel that cold callers use, but less rehearsed. I have written some ideas down and am keeping it in front of me each time I call. Having spoken to half a dozen or so stores today, the results have been a bit more encouraging. I have secured 2 more orders from stores in London - Leadenhall and Kensington. A member of the public actually went into the Kensington store it seems and asked to order a copy - maybe then they will order some more in response to this ? I will have to email the MBS Manager and let them have some information .....

Head Banging Time

I can't even remember what we did this weekend - I have vague recollections of having lunch somewhere and a trip to Polesden Lacey, a nearby National Trust property, but it just seems to have passed in a blur. Must be a symptom of me getting old - or perhaps I should say middle aged. The term middle aged seems to change anyway as people live longer, so by the time I am ready to kick the bucket it may well mean someone in their 50's rather than 40's. Now I have given my age away - oh well, who cares ! I have never been one of these flimsy, floaty females who has to lie about her age, and see nothing shameful in the fact that I have reached the grand old age of 42. This is quite appropriate actually given the subtitle of my book - the answer to life, the universe and everything in between. Mind you, if I am supposed to have sussed aout what it all means, I think my computer must have crashed, either that or I asked it the wrong question, but then again, most of is do don't we!

Enough of my rambling then and on with the serious stuff. I don't know what it is about Mondays, but I never seem to really get anywhere with the ringing book shops thing. Maybe it is just not a good day to be doing this, as everyone feels depressed about returning to work, but then again, these days most of them are open on the weekends anyway. So, no it can't be them, it has to be me. It certainly feels like them sometimes though. It got to the point yesterday when I actually said to one of them that I was going to go and buy some aspirin in preparation for the fact that I was about to go and bang my head rhythmically against the wall ...

So what caused me to feel like this - apart from me of course, because it as always my stuff. Well, it was mostly a very strange chap at Books Etc in Finchley Road. Mind you, the Manager at Waterstones in Bolton didn't exaclty help either. 'Like I said to you last time, if he is interested the buyer will order some copies'. Well, pardon me, but if they don't bother to tell me when or even if he has, how am I supposed to know that ! You would think they would welcome an author who is proactive and enquiring enough to want to help herself by finding these things out, but apparently I am being a nuisance. What the hell do these people work in book shops for then, if they don't people like me ringing them up then he has 2 options (other than the one he exercised, ie. telling me to sod off, in not so many words). He can either go and live in a field all on his own, or he can get off his backside, stop wingeing and recommend my book to some of those fancy and overpaid sales reps that keep visiting .... Oh well, in my dreams. I tell you this much, he was not in mine last night !

The only reason I rang Books Etc at Finchley Road though was because one of their other branches indicated that they had some copies in stock, presumably as a result of the stuff that I sent to them last month. So, I rang them up, and they checked the system and didn't find any. So I asked them who would be the right person to speak to re getting some ordered - answer our Head Office. 'Well, actually my book has already been accepted by the Borders/Books Etc Head Office' was my reply'. His reply was in not so polite terms 'Books Etc is seperate to Borders and you have to go back to the Head Office'. I reached for the aspirin at this point ....

No, actually I rang Paul and got him to sort it out. Basically, as I suspected, this member of staff (member being the operative word) was as usual talking out of a certain part of his anatomy (that would be the one that he sits on). Borders and Books Etc are the same company, and if you are accepted by one, then you are accepted by the other as well, and can approach whatever of their stores you want to - same as Waterstones then (tell that to Bolton). Furthermore, the Head Office Buying Department are aware of my book, but somewhat confusingly requested another copy of it. Well, I am loathe to send that when I happen to know that Adam Hughes from their Oxford Street branch recently sent them the copy that I in turn sent to him. So, I have sent them a pile of promotional materials with a note to that effect, and we will see what happens.

On the bright side, I did discover that 2 more shops ordered that I was not aware of - Basildon and Bournemouth. Cheltenham unfortunately though will not be, since in the Managers words 'we do not have the time or the budget to experiment with this kind of backlist'. Oh well, their loss is Bournemouth and Basildon's gain ... I know that it is only a matter of time before both they and Bolton are sent them anyway, as like it or not this will happen. Those books will be rolled out company wide before this tax year is out. Back to the telephone then ....

108 copies sold last month

A few days ago, I finally got the final sales figures for the month of August and was astonished to find that I had sold 108 copies ! That means that my total sales figures have doubled in just one month, since I sold just 100 copies in the first year of publication. To say that I am pleased then is then an understatement.

25 of these copies were sold prior to the 13th, so could have been from anywhere - libraries order through a different supplier (Bertrams), so as I contacted most of them at the end of July, some may have been through that source, the rest were probably just individuals ordering through Amazon etc. 2 copies were also sold in the United States, so that means that I sold 81 copies through Gardners in around 2 1/2 weeks. Most of them will be to various branches of Waterstones, since I have been busy ringing all 300 or so of them in turn. I started with the local ones first, since they were more likely to order, and have been gradually working through the rest of them from A-Z. So far I have got as far as the H's, so this is a very good start.

This week though seems to have flown by in a blur of book shops, local papers and everything else that happens in ones every day life. I have been checking Gardners site every day, and earlier this evening it said they have 28 copies in stock. This week then has been a little slower than previous weeks, but I am still making good progress. I have some more Waterstones who have signed up and placed orders - namely, Aberystwyth (Wales), Braehead (Scotland), Folkestone (Kent), St Neots (Cambs), Ilford (Essex) and Inverness (Scotland). I guess that they have all then ordered just the one copy, but one copy is one copy, and it is another foot (or six) through the door). The beauty of the Waterstones system is that once you are in a store, and they have ordered your books, then when one sells, then another is automatically reordered. So that means that I will not have to follow up with these stores - they will soon let me know after all if, or perhaps I should say when, the books start to sell.

I also had an order this week direct from my own website - to a lady called Tracy Saunders who lives in Spain. I got to her know via another writers forum (a POD comparison site actually) called Books and Tales, run by the very strangely named Clea Saal. I do find a lot of these American names very peculiar indeed and can't help wondering at their origins. Anyway, Tracy is writing a book, soon to be published by I-Universe about a Christian martyr called Priscillian, and I for one am thorughoughly looking forward to reading it. She seems very knowledgeable on these matters, which is more than be said for myself, as I know very little about this aspect of Christianity.

According to the Surrey Advertiser, I am an expert in a lot of things. They described my book in this weeks edition as a 'philosophical work about the history of man and the meaning of the universe'. At least though they didn't call me Jane, unlike the more immediate local paper, who said that my book 'was proving a hit right across the world'. The piece was entitled 'June finds winner in lost continents', and they then referred to me actually in the piece as Jane! Honestly I know I shouldn't moan as it is all free publicity that helps to sell books, but don't these people employ proof readers. It is bad form to say anything other than thank you, so I will keep my mouth firmly shut from now on.

I actually rang LBC radio earlier this afternoon (it seems like more than 10 days since I sent that book to Southern Counties) to see if they might be interested in conducting an interview. They didn't think they had any show that was suitable, which is a shame, since it seems that their Sunday morning shows do not feature interviews. The only other possibility might be the Friday night psychic show that Edwin Courtenay is frequently on, but I don't really see myself on there to be honest, as it is more about esoteric stuff really - channelling, spells and the like, and that isn't really what my book is about. Still, there are other stations out there, and plenty more fish as they say in the sea!

Will carry podding along nicely then!