The writing on the wall

Life has been really difficult for me of late, and I have been struggling to come to terms with what seems like the end of all my hopes and dreams. Everything was going so well for me until I started back at work in November. At the time it felt like the right thing to do - I was reaching saturation point with ringing Waterstones, the largest and most important book chain in the UK, and desperately needed a second source of income. In some ways then the job was a blessing, but at the same time, going back to work has opened a big can of wiggly worms that I really would rather not look at.

I have my annual review tomorrow, which I know is very important. This is a chance to sit down with my Manager and discuss my goals and aspirations for the future, assess the contribution I have made during the past 12 months with the company (5 for me, since that is how long I have been there now), and work out not just a plan of action for the future, but also how much pay rise I will get. This then is a very important meeting, which is made all the more difficult, as there are important things that I need to say that can no longer be ignored.

I always find it so very difficult to really talk about my feelings with anyone other than Coran, who is it seems, the one person in this whole world who has ever really listened to me and understood. Maybe it is because we share the same path, maybe it is because we share the same soul, but he has always been the one who has been able to read me like a book, and understand almost instinctively how I feel. This also works to a lesser extent the other way around.

I have been thinking about this all day, why I find it so hard to really commit to this job. All my life I have yearned for not just a job, but a career, and it is ironic that now I have the opportunity for this, I stand at the brink of throwing the whole thing away. It is utter madness when I think about this logically, but you see my heart is just not there. It took me a long time to realise this - 40 odd years, but my true vocation is and always been writing.

I spent five long years writing that book, and almost four years trying in vain to get it published, in the end giving up and choosing to self publish. I was led to believe by other writers, and by writing books that success would be easy if I did as these books suggested, but despite my doing all these things, almost to the letter, success has not come my way, at least not to the extent that I would have wished. I had such grand aspirations that I see now were misguided and unattainable, and feel let down by not only those other authors, but God and the whole universe. How do you come to terms and deal with this level of anger and frustration?

At the same time, I realise that there is no difference between God and myself, as He or perhaps She, lies within. It is therefore not God that I am angry with, but myself. I feel as if I have been let down by everyone, but especially myself, and I blame myself for not reading between the lines, and wasting as I see it, both time and money on something which has turned out to be fruitless.

I need the job in order to pay the bills, but I also need and want to write. Usually there is a difference between the two, but in this case it is a need that must be fulfilled at any cost. It took me most of my life to realise this, and now that I have discovered my true vocation I have no choice but to pursue it on at least some level, in order to survive both spiritually and emotionally. It may sound melodramatic, and other creative people will understand, but if I cannot write, then I might as well not be alive, for to deny this aspect of myself will be like slowly dying bit by bit. How though do you reconcile this with the need to earn a living and live in the 'real world'? If anyone knows the answer then I would love to know.

If I do commit to this job, then it will be for me, akin to giving up all my hopes and all my dreams and a lifetimes work and aspirations. I cannot do this easily or lightly. I feel angry, frustrated and so very let down, and blame the job for being the cause of these problems, yet I know deep down in my heart of hearts that the writing was on the wall a long time before I ever got this job. I blame myself then most of all for not heeding the signs and pushing on regardless.

I do not want to admit defeat as this will also mean admitting that my dreams have turned to ash. I am the most stubborn person in the world, so stubborn in fact that I will fight to the bitter end, almost to the death to defend what I believe in. The problem is that I define myself by my book, and so if I admit that this has failed, then I too have failed.

I had so much pinned on this book, so much tied up, so many hopes and so many dreams, and I have seen them all come crumbling down around me. I have to find a way of working this through and coming to a resolution if I am not to end up a sad and bitter woman in later years, for the anger and the hatred and the frustration and the pain will eat me up like a parasite slowly burrowing away inside, eating me away until there is nothing left but a hollow and empty shell left lying on the beach of scattered bones, the death and destruction of everything that I hold dear.

What has made me feel like this I hear you ask? It has been precipitated, I am almost ashamed to say, by the success of another of Richard's authors. I will not say who it is, or mention the name of the book out of respect for the author concerned, and don't get me wrong, I am delighted beyond words for his success and what it must mean to him, but I can't help feeling that it should be me!

This may seem petty and silly to some, and I agree that it is - this is borne from my ego, which as usual plays on all my fears and doubts and whispers all these words into the crevices of my mind, winding like a labarynth of poison through the synapses, and locking the words into place where they cause the maximum damage. It is strange to watch all the goings on and witness the struggle that is taking place between the heart and the ego. The heart tells me not to worry about what others are doing, to celebrate the successes that I have had - and they have been many, and to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. The ego though cajoles and squeezes until its last breath is exhausted, squeezing the empty vessels of my heart and pumping the life from my soul.

This other book has really taken off, having been mentioned now in countless magazines and newspapers and the author having also been interviewed on both BBC radio and television. The phone in Richard's office is ringing off the wall, and he has been inundated with orders (there were 60 waiting for him at 9am this morning), rapidly moving the book to a lithographic print run from print on demand. At the time of writing, the book is at number 100 on amazon.co.uk, and it has been taken on as a category A core stock item by Waterstones (meaning that it is stocked in all of their branches) - on their request. This my ego cries, should be my success and my glory and my 5 minutes of fame. I have worked and slaved my guts out and I deserve this success just as much, for I have worked as hard, if not more so.

It is though like I say, the ceaseless bleatings of a wounded ego and a shattered and empty heart, and my own resistance as usual to the path that I am forced to acknowledge, I have chosen to walk. If the success has not come my way it is because I am not yet ready for this, and also because the world is not ready to hear my message. I can rest assured though that my message has reached out and touched the hearts of those who need to be reached - including the students of Arizona State University (my friend Nadine Laman tells me that her son is a student there and others students are raving about my book), and the customers at the 90 odd Waterstones stores that still have stock. So what if Staines have sent some of their copies back, they still have some stock and so still have faith and belief in its ability to sell. So what too if the organisers of the Guildford Book Festival have not responded to my email request to take part in this years festival - it is not until October and there is plenty of time.

I remember the words of Susan Jeffers and remember them well - I am not a failure if I do not succeed, I am a success because I tried. I did my damned best and gave it my best shot, and am not ready to give up quite yet. My three weeks of enforced stoppage from all types of book promotion are over now, so I intend to get back in the saddle this weekend and get those orders flowing once again.

Random thoughts on yesterday and what it all means

Random thoughts about yesterday then. Reading one of the books that I bought yesterday - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, has brought much to the surface for me to look at. This is no doubt the reason why I have resisted buying this book for so long - it has been out for some time. Yesterday though, with all the time in the world, idling at my stall, the book was just too tempting not to pick up and read. I was tempted for a few seconds to buy it from from Amazon, but then remembered all that has gone on in recent weeks, and decided that this was not a good or even God idea (some typos are divinely inspired too!), and I paid full price, thus giving a further donation to the Brigitte Trust and helping to actively promote fair trade, at the same time acknowledging and honouring Waterstones for the opportunity to sell my own books at their stall. It was in the scheme of things, a small price to pay.

Back to those revelations though - I was observing myself yesterday, and noticed that I was not fully present at all. It was sods law that it happened to be the warmest day of the year so far, and I would so much rather have been out enjoying the sun and walking around the Hill. I was making very little effort really to engage those who browsed the stall in conversation, and when they did approach and look at my book, I told them that it was my book. It is not though my book, as this implies ownership. This has for me then highlighted just how much work I still need to do to release this book back to the universe so that it can fly to the hearts and the minds of those who need to read it. It has also shown that there is a need to watch my language!

I am still keeping it far too close to me, holding on tight, afraid to let it go. I too am afraid to let go and put my head above the parapet and see what happens. You see the thing is, by getting book stores to sell the book, I am giving them the responsibility for what happens next, and handing it over to them, but when it comes to other types of promotion, such as fairs, talks and so on, I am forced to be on display with my wares, smiling and encouraging sales. As I have discovered, it is one thing to sell things at work, but quite another when it is your own creation, as you are not just selling your wares, but you are also selling yourself.

That to me then is the key - the two - myself and the book, have become so intertwined, that there is no longer a separation between the two. Diana brought this home to me sharply three weeks ago, and although I did go through the motions of a releasing ceremony to get the stuck energy moving again, it was just that - going through the motions - my heart and my soul have not been in it, as I was not really ready to let go. Yesterday though presented me with another opportunity to look at myself and change, and for that I am grateful.

The demise of the ego

During the past week, being back at work full time (which for me means four days a week) I have become at times, almost painfully aware of just how over active my mind is. By this I mean that there seems to be this endless chatter going on in the background, in the periphery of my vision, which manifests itself as a vague feeling of dissatisfaction and unease. This seems to be borne from the fact that I do not like the life I have chosen, or more accurately, that my ego does not like the life that I have chosen.

The ego though is an illusion and not who I am, it is merely the inner manifestation of all my deepest fears and loathings, about not just life, but ultimately who and what I am. It is the part of me that wishes to deny my own divinity, for to accept this will mean that I am powerful beyond measure and have no need for the pettiness that the ego becomes embroiled in. This, like the various products that we sell at work, is merely a distraction designed to detract away from the fact that I am not just unique, but also divine - for God does not rest outside of us as some obscure and judgmental man, or even woman, but lives in the heart of every single one of us. The ego uses every means at its disposal in order to deny this very important fact, and will go to almost any lengths, including killing us slowly inside, through insanity or other means (Eckhart Tolle says that the over active mind is the greatest form of insanity) in order to get us to hide from the truth.

The expensive items we sell at work are not in the scheme of life important, but are things and trappings that we surround ourselves with in order to stay trapped on the perpetual treadmill called work. We are told that we must have these things, so we go out to work in order to buy them, getting into so much debt that we have to continually work harder, and thus have no time to be still and stop thinking. I see through the trap though and choose not to have these things in my possession. I still though have to sell them at work, and this is where the challenge lies.

It occurs to me that the reason I have chosen this particular job is because of the unique challenges that it brings - in other words to be in the illusion but not be part of it. This means that I can observe from a detached perspective all the goings on and all the ego talk of my colleagues and customers - two of my colleagues in particular act like overgrown school boys, practically drooling over video games and the latest technology as if they were some prize to be cherished, and talking about beer and women in much the same vein.

Some women would be mortally offended at this talk, but not me, I just grin silently to myself and observe the silliness and almost obsessiveness of the whole thing. And yet at the same time, I have been amazed this week at just how similar in some ways we are. I was having a conversation the other day with one of my male colleagues, as I helped with the delivery, about women who moan about there not being any good men and how they can't maintain a relationship and how lonely they feel, and in the next breath say how they value their independence and don't want to get tied down. There is a great paradox here that the majority of these women seem unaware of. No wonder men are so confused as to what women want - how can they know after all how to treat us if we do not know ourselves how we wish to be treated.

How though do I wish to be treated - as a human being with feelings and emotions, and with the knowledge that I am not infallible and need love and nurturing as much as the next person. I also perhaps more fundamentally, wish to be treated in the same way that others would wish to be treated - with courtesy, honesty, integrity and respect.

These are all qualities which the modern world seems to be lacking in - but qualities that I saw today in abundance. Today I was blessed to have a stall at the annual Brigitte Trust complimentary therapy day.

The weather blessed both us, and the couple who got married in that same church this afternoon at 2pm. Some 200 people came through the doors between 10.30 and 5pm, as I manned the stall on behalf of Waterstones in Epsom. This was a mutual arrangement between Sally, the organiser, Nick the manager of Waterstones, and myself, which the universe perfectly orchestrated. It meant that the Trust got someone to look after the stall for them, as did Waterstones, and I had some free space in which to sell my own books.

I took a total of around £88 which was not a great deal, and sold one pack of my own cards - quotes from my book for £3, so financially the day was a disaster. This is not though what the day was about, and the fact that I can write this at all, means that I have come a long, long way in the last three weeks.

It would have been nice to have sold at least one book - and the ego does its best to chatter away still about the unfairness of it all, and how others did so much better than I did, and how technically I lost money through spending on cups of tea and lunch etc, but then I remind it that actually it was Coran's turn for lunch, and as for tea, well I would have gone for walk to the nearby National Trust centre if I had not been at the fair, and so still would have bought tea and cake there anywhere!

I am then beginning to realise that complaining is a fast track to continued deep unhappiness and despair. It is borne from the need to be right and make someone else wrong - and therefore make us feel superior at the expense of others, for complaining about what we perceive as injustice, in any form - within the publishing industry, at work, or the fact that our neighbour can afford that new car that we can't, implies that this thing whatever it is, should not be happening, that it is not morally right. This implies judgment, of both others and ourselves and places us at the moral high ground as the wounded or injured party, but also on a self imposed pedestal. It it this sense of superiority that the ego feeds off and craves, as it is this that maintains it within the illusion, keeping us in the illusion.

So next time someone asks me who I am, I will remember a phrase uttered by Dr Stephen Franklin, the Doctor in Babylon 5, when he awoke from life saving surgery after being stabbed - "I am alive, everything else is negotiable."

Book sellers working harder for less money

After two days back at work it feels like I need another five days off to recover. It does not take long for the mind chatter to return with a vengeance, try as you might, and working in a shop with loud music constantly on, not to mention two excitable school boys masquerading as grown men, does not exactly help. I have never been able to understand the fascination with much of what we sell, and to me much of it is a total waste of time. I would much rather curl up with good book and a large mug of hot chocolate.

In common with other areas of the retail sector, the book trade today reports that publishers are facing increasingly tight margins, which means that they are selling more books for less money. The price of books has fallen for the fifth year in a row. According to the Publishers Association's Statistics Yearbook 2007, which is out on 23rd April, the average invoiced price (i.e the price paid by book stores rather than consumers) of books fell from £3.59 to £3.50 in 2007. The average price for home market or British books was £3.77, down from £3.85 in 2006, while export titles slid to £3.13 from £3.20. This was largely due to the weak dollar.

Despite these issues, the publishing industry saw overall growth in both volume and value during 2007. UK publishers saw an estimated 9 percent increase in volume, up from 786 million books sold in 2006, to an estimated 855 million books in 2007. The actual invoice value climbed to £3bn from £2.8bn. The export market was particularly strong, despite the weak dollar, with
sales of 357 million units worth approximately £1.1bn. This represents a jump of 14 percent and 11 percent respectively over 2006.

Children's books saw by the far the biggest growth, with unit sales shooting up by 17 percent with a total sales value of 225 million and an invoice value of £404m (£302m in 2006). Fiction saw the next highest growth, up 7 percent in volume and in terms of value 229 million. Academic and professional titles saw the least growth, with a 4 percent rise in unit sales and a 0.7 percent rise in value to £775m.

Returns also seemed to stabilise somewhat, at 9 percent of publishers' total gross unit sales and 13 percent of total gross value. This represents a 3 percent fall and 0.5 percent increase respectively, indicating that the books that are being returned seem to be those of higher value.

In the meantime, and going back to the Amazon debate, one of the world's largest publishers HarperCollins, has stated that they will not be taking on Amazon by selling direct to consumers via their own website. I can't help feeling here that that they are making a big mistake, which will ultimately prove to be rod for their own backs. They will, unlike rivals Bloomsbury and Penguin, be placing Amazon buy buttons direct on their site, so that customers go straight through to Amazon direct.

The reasoning behind this seems to be that Amazon are a global brand, and taking them on would be foolish in the extreme. Personally I beg to differ, as if they don't, as one of our largest publishers, then who will? Someone has to take a stand, and the fact they have chosen not to, signals to me that they are afraid of a fight and do not want to risk losing sales. What they don't realise is that by failing to take a stand now, they stand to lose in the future, an awful lot more.

Amazon and Lighthing Source unveil plans for expansion

There has been no more news to report at all this week regarding the big Amazon debate, with everything on both sides of the pond suddenly going very quiet indeed. Business for them must be booming though, as a report on the online edition of today's Daily Mail states that Amazon are opening their biggest warehouse yet in Swansea, which is set to be the size of ten football pitches.

The depot will be literally crammed full with not just books, but with every conceivable product, from trainers to lawnmowers to bread makers. There will though be no friendly and helpful shop assistants, just an army of unsung and no doubt underpaid, workers whose sole aim will be to pick and pack goods to be shipped throughout Europe.

Reporter Julie Mount states that yesterday she got her first glimpse of the facilities when First Minister Rhodri Morgan MP lined up alongside local dignitaries to welcome in the new way forward. Morgan declared that "At a time when there's a lot of doom and gloom around, this is a shaft of light for Wales. Amazon is an iconic global company right at the forefront of the e-economy and one of only a handful of truly world brands that have emerged since the Internet changed the way we live our lives. This is one of the biggest investments announced in Wales since devolution began nine years ago. It is a powerful shot in the arm for the Welsh economy and the Swansea Bay area in particular. I am proud of the role that the Assembly Government has played in attracting Amazon to Wales."

I wonder if he would say the same if he were a US or for that matter, UK based print on demand author. Somehow I think not! Global brand my foot - as this comes at the expense, like so many others before them, of all the little ants that they have trodden on and squashed.

Amazon estimates it will take on 1200 employees in five years in order to cope with their ever increasing demand, with many more taken on as seasonal Christmas temps.

While it may appear to be good for the Welsh economy, one has to wonder at the wider implications regarding the rise in the Internet, as it will undoubtedly lead to the demise of many more small independent, and even larger chains, as they simply cannot compete with Amazon's low prices and aggressive marketing. Even my employer, as the UK's largest and arguably most successful electrical retailer are threatened, as there is due to be a big announcement made to the city and the company's staff on May 15th. Rumours are rife within the company regarding store closures, and it seems that my own job may be threatened, as High Street stores like mine will if the rumours are true, be amongst the first to go.

Over reliance on service sector jobs such as those provided by Amazon can be a dangerous thing, as it is pretty much a dead end job, with little skill and no career development. As manufacturing union Unite warned, "These jobs do not provide the foundations for young people to flourish and play a full and constructive role within their communities." At least retail gives you the opportunity to develop skills and interact with people by not just selling, but also providing customer service. Picking things off a warehouse floor and placing them in boxes is just a means to an end.

The second story, from Publishers Weekly, which is somewhat ironic really, concerns print on demand printer Lightning Source, who like Amazon are also opening larger premises.

The report states that they are expanding their current facilities in Milton Keynes from 12,000 to 60,000 square feet. The new plant is due to open later this summer, and will enable them to add 12 more print lines. Managing Director David Taylor described it as a long term strategy for the future. He went on to explain that the UK division printed a staggering 2 million books in 2007, a number which is set to increase this year by a further 25 percent.

Reading this, and bearing in mind that print on demand is even bigger business in the United States, it really does make one wonder once again, what the hell Amazon think they are playing at.

The longing to return home

Having had five days off work, using up holidays before the end of the year, I really did not want to go back to work today. My mind had gone so peaceful and so still and so quiet, I did not want to leave that space and go back to constant background noise and distractions.

I have been thinking about why it is that I seem to have so many problems with jobs. It is as if, for as long as I can remember, each job that I have had rapidly wears thin and I just lose all interest. It is a novelty to begin with, but the rot soon sets in and I start to get resentful about the little things, until they escalate into something big. I resist moving from where I am by kidding myself that I am comfortable until eventually things get so bad that I am forced to leave in order to protect both my health and my sanity. If I still resist, the universe finds another way to oust me from that rut, either by getting me the sack, closing the store or branch that I work in, or making me redundant.

It occurred to me tonight that perhaps it is not the jobs themselves that are the problem, but rather, what they represent. Work to me is a symbol of being tied to the physical, material world, of being shackled and bound by others rules, unable to do your thing and be truly independent.

After my mother died at the end of 1999, I gave up work for a while in order to concentrate on myself. Three years later I found that I had qualified as a crystal therapist and to my surprise, started to write a book. I then developed a bad case of procrastination and fear, masquerading as writers block, and so returned to work part time. I worked initially as a temp for a company that serviced air conditioning units, and then later on for a major supermarket. After about a year of working there part time, Coran became ill and I changed my hours to full time. It was then that the problems began, and I eventually left that job in August 2005.

I then worked flat out to finish my book, doing a complete edit and rewrite in just under 5 months. The first edition was duly published in June 2006, just before I went off to Lundy for three weeks. In between promoting it and doing other forms of writing, I did occasional exam invigilating work and market research, until in November last year I got my current job.

On the surface it is everything that I need - the hours suit me, being able to work four days a week, I get free parking, thanks to an arrangement with one of the local pubs, and I get on for the most part with my colleagues, yet there is still this vague feeling of dissatisfaction, that I should be doing something different. Until I started to write my book, I did not know what that 'something different' was, but since I made this discovery, my life has taken on new purpose and new meaning. I told myself that the dissatisfaction was due to not being able to do what I really love, and yet when I do spend time at home and have the opportunity to write, I spend it doing other things instead - browsing on the Internet, going for walks and cups of tea, shopping etc.

Maybe it is not about not being able to write at all, but more to do with the fact that I do not want to work full stop, since it is a symbol for me of being tied to the physical, material world. I wish to spend time at home doing what I want and when I want, and not be tethered by company rules, time keeping and politics. What really lies behind the dissatisfaction is not any of these things, but the need to return home and the longing to transcend this physical existence and return to source, where none of these things matter and there are no rules, just life in all its glory.

The Battle for Harry Potter

Coran and I were sitting in the coffee shop of the local Christian centre this morning enjoying a cup of tea, when I noticed a copy of The Independent on the next table. As I started to flick through, I noticed an article about a battle that is being fought between JK Rowling and a small publisher in the United States that wishes to publish a Harry Potter Encyclopedia. Ms Rowling alleges that this "constitutes wholesale theft of 17 years of my hard work". She goes on to claim that this decimated her creativity and halted all work on a new novel, which actually I can understand, as it does take both time and money to fight these things, not to mention huge amounts of energy, both physical and emotional.

The lawsuit which is filed against author Steve Vander Ark and his publisher RDR Books, is somewhat controversial, since the book in question, which is a lexicon or encyclopedia of all information relating to Harry Potter such as characters, spells and so on, because it is essentially a reprinting of what is already on Vander Ark's website, the same website which Ms Rowling appears to have endorsed some years previously and be an enthusiastic fan of.

Ms Rowling states that she feels "no pleasure" in bringing this suit and is "sad and disillusioned" that it had to come to court. When asked by her lawyer Dale Cendali, how she felt about Harry, Rowling said: "I really don't want to cry."

Anthony Falzone, for RDR Books has though defended the publication of this book, by stating that it is a reference guide and that it is perfectly legal and legitimate to organise and discuss the information contained in Ms Rowling's original books in this way.

Although I can to some extent understand where Vander Ark and his publisher are coming from, nevertheless if this position is accepted, then it will set a precedent which will make it almost impossible for authors to protect their work. It will also have an immediate and very negative impact on the freedom of Internet users to be able to enjoy discussing such issues, and pursuing legitimate and essentially harmless activities.

The crux of the matter really seems to rest on whether by virtue of the fact that the information has already been freely available on the Internet for some time, it is therefore deemed as within the public domain. I do not understand copyright laws sufficiently to really be able to comment here, and can only state from my own point of view as an author that I would be both flattered and upset if someone were do this with my own work. It is I feel one of those grey areas, which is made more complicated by the fact that Ms Rowling did appear in the past to endorse the website where the information has for all intents and purposes already been published for some time, from what I understand of the case.

This also raises questions regarding digital rights management and begs the question that if the information has in fact been published for some time on the Internet, as the article in The Independent seemed to suggest, then why did it take this long to bring the case in the first place, and why did Ms Rowling appear to endorse this website? These are all questions that will need answers.

I hear all the time from authors on the various writing forums that I post on how in the US in particular, if any segment of a work has been posted on such sites even just for peer review, then that work is regarded as having been previously published. While it is true that one has to know about these sites before one can make such judgments, the fact that Ms Rowling is a member of the site in question where the work has been previously published would seem to indicate to some at least, that she did not have a problem with this. It then begs the question, is there a difference between publishing in printed form and publishing on the Internet, and if so, what is that diference, and how can the industry best manage these issues to prevent a similar repetition.

The lines between publishing in printed and digital format are becoming increasingly blurred, and these are issues that the industry will need to discuss and form resolutions on.

The trial, which is being heard by Judge Robert Patterson without a jury, is expected to last around one week. Vander Ark's book was originally scheduled for publication on November 28th last year, but the Judge issued an order at an earlier hearing banning completion, distribution, marketing or any advance sales until further notice. If the publisher wins, Rowling says that she will "find it devastating to contemplate the possibility of such a severe alteration of author-fan relations".