The new Genesis of Man

It has been a week now since Ed called, and still it seems I am waiting for something, anything to happen. I watch my mind at work sometimes, and can almost laugh at the stupidity of it all. The mind does its best to tick away with all the 'it's not fair', 'I can't stand this job', 'I wish they would hurry up and shut this store down!' (there have been plenty of the last two of late), but none of it is real, and none of it really matters.

I won't deny that this job has been challenging in lots of different ways, but still I recognise that I did choose to be here (quite literally, as within two days of being offered it, I was also offered and turned down, interviews at least for two other jobs). Somewhere, on some level, it was as if I knew that I had to see this through. The logical part of me was screaming on my first day that this was not right, that I would not be happy here, that I was not interested in what we sell, but I knew that I had to see it through, and so I have, regardless of the challenges and the tests, and there have been lots of them - the late lunches, the heavy lifting (some of the larger items are almost as big as I am), the constant noise bombardment, being the only female (living with Coran, I am not used to being around 'typical' males).

I get round the noise bit by shutting myself in the ladies loo at regular intervals, and by sitting in silence at lunch time, I get round the lack of interest by trying to learn, and I get round the lifting bit with hot baths and massages. As for the masculine bit, I have discovered that you cannot judge a book by its cover, as my Manager, who looks every bit the stereotypical male, with his deep voice, big muscles and bald head, is actually a pussy cat in disguise. I don't think he realises this himself, but he is actually a very sensitive and deeply spiritual man. It is the fact that he does not know this that makes him so spiritual, and also his many years of management.

You cannot be a Manager in retail after all, without knowing a thing or two about human nature, and what makes people tick. If I am honest, I do not care much for what I see of the nature of our typical customer - especially the young ones, who seem more concerned with how things look and how much they cost than whether or not they actually work and do a good job. My Manager said the same thing, when we were talking last week.

Reading some more of Eckhart Tolle's wonderful book 'A New Earth', he says that "unhappiness or negativity is a disease on our planet. What pollution is on the outer level is negativity on the inner level". When I watch my mind and observe the unconscious behaviour of others, I know that he is right. It is a disease indeed, and the biggest threat facing our planet. The problems we face are spiritual, not political, for if we could really look inside and consciously examine our thoughts and our motivations, then we would see the madness that we are living in that is created by our minds, and we would bring ourselves into the present moment, making conscious efforts to change. This would be the new Genesis of Man.

All the problems that we face, famine, war, intolerance, etc, etc, are all caused by what we perceive as lack, and if you go deeper still, then you realise that ultimately the solution lies not in filling the void with unnecessary stuff, and not in worrying our lives away about what we should have and do not have, but in accepting the situation that we have and fully embracing the now. Now is after all the only moment that we have. The past is over so cannot affect us, the future is yet to happen, so the only moment is now, we should strive to grasp that moment and live life to the full, as that one moment goes on forever into infinity.

When Jesus said that those who followed him would be reborn to eternal life, this is what he meant, that if his teachings were followed and understood, then we could learn to live in the present moment, which is eternal and everlasting. We would therefore be literally reborn to eternal life. What an interesting discussion that could make with some Christians that I know - and as I write this I am aware that the mind is there again, wanting me to be right, so that they are then wrong. There is no right and wrong, it is all just differing opinions. The problem begins when those differing beliefs are made 'exclusive', and when we confuse our beliefs with who we are, so that others of differing opinions are wrong. This unfortunately, is something that we all do, and I am no exception to this, I realised this when I watched myself becoming angry last night, as I watched a programme on fundamentalist Christians in Britain.

No matter how many different forms life takes, no matter how many dramas we create to fill the 'time', bodies, egos, events, situations, thoughts, emotions, desires, fears and so on, it is all fleeting and none of it has any more meaning than that which we choose to give it. Another second passes and we think another thought, dream another dream, and so it goes on, until the world is filled with dreams, we have dreamt our lives away, and nothing has been accomplished.

Work I have then discovered, is the perfect and yet most challenging place to play this scenario out - exhausting though it sometimes is, both physically and emotionally. I did choose this path though, and so I will continue to follow it for as long as the universe deems that I need to be here. My ego can still hope though that it won't be for too long!

Random thoughts on yesterday and what it all means

Random thoughts about yesterday then. Reading one of the books that I bought yesterday - A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, has brought much to the surface for me to look at. This is no doubt the reason why I have resisted buying this book for so long - it has been out for some time. Yesterday though, with all the time in the world, idling at my stall, the book was just too tempting not to pick up and read. I was tempted for a few seconds to buy it from from Amazon, but then remembered all that has gone on in recent weeks, and decided that this was not a good or even God idea (some typos are divinely inspired too!), and I paid full price, thus giving a further donation to the Brigitte Trust and helping to actively promote fair trade, at the same time acknowledging and honouring Waterstones for the opportunity to sell my own books at their stall. It was in the scheme of things, a small price to pay.

Back to those revelations though - I was observing myself yesterday, and noticed that I was not fully present at all. It was sods law that it happened to be the warmest day of the year so far, and I would so much rather have been out enjoying the sun and walking around the Hill. I was making very little effort really to engage those who browsed the stall in conversation, and when they did approach and look at my book, I told them that it was my book. It is not though my book, as this implies ownership. This has for me then highlighted just how much work I still need to do to release this book back to the universe so that it can fly to the hearts and the minds of those who need to read it. It has also shown that there is a need to watch my language!

I am still keeping it far too close to me, holding on tight, afraid to let it go. I too am afraid to let go and put my head above the parapet and see what happens. You see the thing is, by getting book stores to sell the book, I am giving them the responsibility for what happens next, and handing it over to them, but when it comes to other types of promotion, such as fairs, talks and so on, I am forced to be on display with my wares, smiling and encouraging sales. As I have discovered, it is one thing to sell things at work, but quite another when it is your own creation, as you are not just selling your wares, but you are also selling yourself.

That to me then is the key - the two - myself and the book, have become so intertwined, that there is no longer a separation between the two. Diana brought this home to me sharply three weeks ago, and although I did go through the motions of a releasing ceremony to get the stuck energy moving again, it was just that - going through the motions - my heart and my soul have not been in it, as I was not really ready to let go. Yesterday though presented me with another opportunity to look at myself and change, and for that I am grateful.

The demise of the ego

During the past week, being back at work full time (which for me means four days a week) I have become at times, almost painfully aware of just how over active my mind is. By this I mean that there seems to be this endless chatter going on in the background, in the periphery of my vision, which manifests itself as a vague feeling of dissatisfaction and unease. This seems to be borne from the fact that I do not like the life I have chosen, or more accurately, that my ego does not like the life that I have chosen.

The ego though is an illusion and not who I am, it is merely the inner manifestation of all my deepest fears and loathings, about not just life, but ultimately who and what I am. It is the part of me that wishes to deny my own divinity, for to accept this will mean that I am powerful beyond measure and have no need for the pettiness that the ego becomes embroiled in. This, like the various products that we sell at work, is merely a distraction designed to detract away from the fact that I am not just unique, but also divine - for God does not rest outside of us as some obscure and judgmental man, or even woman, but lives in the heart of every single one of us. The ego uses every means at its disposal in order to deny this very important fact, and will go to almost any lengths, including killing us slowly inside, through insanity or other means (Eckhart Tolle says that the over active mind is the greatest form of insanity) in order to get us to hide from the truth.

The expensive items we sell at work are not in the scheme of life important, but are things and trappings that we surround ourselves with in order to stay trapped on the perpetual treadmill called work. We are told that we must have these things, so we go out to work in order to buy them, getting into so much debt that we have to continually work harder, and thus have no time to be still and stop thinking. I see through the trap though and choose not to have these things in my possession. I still though have to sell them at work, and this is where the challenge lies.

It occurs to me that the reason I have chosen this particular job is because of the unique challenges that it brings - in other words to be in the illusion but not be part of it. This means that I can observe from a detached perspective all the goings on and all the ego talk of my colleagues and customers - two of my colleagues in particular act like overgrown school boys, practically drooling over video games and the latest technology as if they were some prize to be cherished, and talking about beer and women in much the same vein.

Some women would be mortally offended at this talk, but not me, I just grin silently to myself and observe the silliness and almost obsessiveness of the whole thing. And yet at the same time, I have been amazed this week at just how similar in some ways we are. I was having a conversation the other day with one of my male colleagues, as I helped with the delivery, about women who moan about there not being any good men and how they can't maintain a relationship and how lonely they feel, and in the next breath say how they value their independence and don't want to get tied down. There is a great paradox here that the majority of these women seem unaware of. No wonder men are so confused as to what women want - how can they know after all how to treat us if we do not know ourselves how we wish to be treated.

How though do I wish to be treated - as a human being with feelings and emotions, and with the knowledge that I am not infallible and need love and nurturing as much as the next person. I also perhaps more fundamentally, wish to be treated in the same way that others would wish to be treated - with courtesy, honesty, integrity and respect.

These are all qualities which the modern world seems to be lacking in - but qualities that I saw today in abundance. Today I was blessed to have a stall at the annual Brigitte Trust complimentary therapy day.

The weather blessed both us, and the couple who got married in that same church this afternoon at 2pm. Some 200 people came through the doors between 10.30 and 5pm, as I manned the stall on behalf of Waterstones in Epsom. This was a mutual arrangement between Sally, the organiser, Nick the manager of Waterstones, and myself, which the universe perfectly orchestrated. It meant that the Trust got someone to look after the stall for them, as did Waterstones, and I had some free space in which to sell my own books.

I took a total of around £88 which was not a great deal, and sold one pack of my own cards - quotes from my book for £3, so financially the day was a disaster. This is not though what the day was about, and the fact that I can write this at all, means that I have come a long, long way in the last three weeks.

It would have been nice to have sold at least one book - and the ego does its best to chatter away still about the unfairness of it all, and how others did so much better than I did, and how technically I lost money through spending on cups of tea and lunch etc, but then I remind it that actually it was Coran's turn for lunch, and as for tea, well I would have gone for walk to the nearby National Trust centre if I had not been at the fair, and so still would have bought tea and cake there anywhere!

I am then beginning to realise that complaining is a fast track to continued deep unhappiness and despair. It is borne from the need to be right and make someone else wrong - and therefore make us feel superior at the expense of others, for complaining about what we perceive as injustice, in any form - within the publishing industry, at work, or the fact that our neighbour can afford that new car that we can't, implies that this thing whatever it is, should not be happening, that it is not morally right. This implies judgment, of both others and ourselves and places us at the moral high ground as the wounded or injured party, but also on a self imposed pedestal. It it this sense of superiority that the ego feeds off and craves, as it is this that maintains it within the illusion, keeping us in the illusion.

So next time someone asks me who I am, I will remember a phrase uttered by Dr Stephen Franklin, the Doctor in Babylon 5, when he awoke from life saving surgery after being stabbed - "I am alive, everything else is negotiable."