On Sunday Coran and I watched the video to the book The Secret. I must admit that I had been resisting doing this, since the book has been pressing my buttons of late due to what happened with it at the Journey group that we used to go to. One day after several week's absence, I went back to find them all sitting around and discussing The Secret. One of them had bought a job lot of the books and was selling them cheaply to the group members. This happened to be the person who had a few weeks ago, requested that her name be deleted from my mailing list, although no one else there seemed to mind. This pressed my buttons by itself, as the whole idea of the group was to support the various members through their individual endeavours. It seemed that this particular person was not supporting me at all.
When I saw them raving about how wonderful this book was, all my feelings of inadequacy came rushing to the surface in the form of "it's not fair, they should be sitting around buying and discussing my book". At least I am self aware and honest enough to admit this. Of course I then had to find ways to make my book seem superior (in my mind at least) to this one, so when I heard through the grapevine that some of the words may have been copied from another earlier work, then I seized on this and I am afraid was really not very nice to a lady I know who was raving about it on one of the Internet forums that I post on. I feel quite ashamed of myself when I look back on it all, but I guess like me on the original version of that site, which I used to moderate, she was using it for the wrong reasons and I was the means the universe used to get her away from it. The universe works in mysterious ways ...
The long and the short of it is that I sat down and wrote how I want, I will change that to how my life is panning out. This is the result:
"I am so happy and grateful now that I have the life I have always wanted. I have sold 200,000 copies of Genesis of Man in the UK alone, with a further 1 million throughout the world, in 10 different languages. It has topped the best seller’s charts for a full 6 months and is the best selling self published title of all time within the UK. The film rights have also been sold and a popular and well known actor cast in the leading role.
Coran and I live happily together in Surrey, with a second home in the West Country with views of Lundy. Coran runs a thriving website design business and his health problems and gender dysphoria are a thing of the past, as is my fear of dogs. He willingly comes to Lundy with me once a year and I enjoy solo trips to Lundy during the summer. I have a fit and toned body and wear size 8 clothes, which fit perfectly. I can eat whatever I want without bloating or weight gain.
I have no need to work for an employer, since I earn my living exclusively from writing. My articles are popular with both the public and media and I am well paid for writing them. I run a successful and popular support group for spiritual writers and self published authors. My website, which Coran manages, attracts 100,000 visits per month with no spammers.
I have a wide circle of friends and a fulfilling social life, with much fun and laughter. I share a good relationship with my sister, based on mutual understanding and respect, also with my brother, his girlfriend and both their sets of children, as well as with Coran’s family.
I have no fear of public speaking and communicate easily and confidently with the media worldwide. My private life however remains private, as does Coran’s and those of our family and friends.
My finances continue to prosper. I earn £100,000 per year, which I use wisely, and invest ethically. I have a large pension to look forward to, in an ethical fund. I am seen as someone who walks their talk, and is an inspiration to others, a person of humility and integrity, whose success has not gone to her head. I enjoy and live life fully and embrace the power of now."
I have printed it out and pinned it up on the cork board in my writing room, and have been reading it aloud each time I go into that room, at the same time, really getting into how it feels to have that life and be that person, but also knowing that it is already happening, since there is no such thing as time. A Course in Miracles says that the past is over so no longer exists, the future is yet to happen, so does not exist, so the only moment is now. I intend to seize that moment and have a bloody good time,
Yesterday though was a bit of a blip. I went to our local church as usual where I work (as a volunteer) on the reception desk for the regular Monday healing day. I put my own name down for healing maybe half an hour after I walked through the door, but then the people started to pour in, and silly me said to Jane, "they should have priority over me, as I am here all the time." I heard Jane agreeing with this, and so as this continued for the rest of the day, everyone else who had requested healing, including 3 of the healers, got their time, except me !
This left me feeling very upset, resentful and angry. I think when I look at it though, the anger comes from the realisation that this was my stuff - 2 people walked through the door at 3.30 pm, just as I was about to go in (!) and it is the knowledge that it was me who kept putting my own needs last, and not anyone else, and therefore it is me that needs to change. I have to stop giving my time away for free, since it it sending a signal out to the universe that my time is not worth anything, and therefore that I am not worth anything. Well, I have news for it - I AM WORTH A LOT !!!!
I have decided then, that after the summer break, I will not be going back to the church in this role, I am thinking as well this morning, that I will not continue to work for the National Trust either. The only unpaid role I will be continuing with is the newsletter, which is for obvious reasons, more important than anything, because it more closely reflects what I want to do with my life. So, I guess I shall have to tell them all then.
For the moment though, I am going to knuckle down and make that book sell !